He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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