I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
