Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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