Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
what day is it and did you see me today?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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