dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I have aggressive nipples.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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