Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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