they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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