totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
