I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
