wakey wakey hands off snakey
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
