Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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