i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
