The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
