Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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