The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
