I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
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This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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