Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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