Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
