Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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