Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
