I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
