o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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