You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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