i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
