it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
