Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
