Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
