wrigley field is MILF paradise
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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