i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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