i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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