how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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