Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
