It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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