I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
