I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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