I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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