in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I would ride that face into the sunset
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
