there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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