splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
