I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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