dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
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well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
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you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money