Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
