Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.