No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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