My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
