Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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