I didn't shave. On purpose
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
