the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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