I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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