Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
