So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
