I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
