dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Randomize
