Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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