Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
