Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
