Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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