My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
