how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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