Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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